Gabriele Di Luca
METROPOLITAN MIRACLES
Selection Italian Playwrights Project 3th edition (2020/22)
excerpt translated by Thomas Simpson
A basement kitchen improvised in a former car repair shop. Stage left, exit to the warehouse; next to the exit, the sink of HOPE (30), a Black dishwasher, and the stove of IGOR (18),an assistant chef who always travels on his Hoverboard. Up left, stairs to the freezer cage, below which an iron grill separates the cucina from the sewers. Center, the cooking station of the chef, PLINIO (50), above which we see the monitor of XIA, the artificial voice that announces the orders; behind Plinio’s cooking station, at right a hall leading to the bathroom and the store-room, the car shop’s old space, now a bedroom, where Igor, Plinio, and Plinio’s wife, CLARA (50), sleep. At right center, a third work station featuring a dumbwaiter that lifts food to the floor above; at far right, the main entrance. Along the entire back wall, a high window looks onto the exterior sidewalk at the level of the floor above.
In the dark: through Xia, the voice of a REPORTER updating us on the situation outside. Soon, the lights come up on Plinio, Igor, and Hope at work: we’re in the mealtime rush.
REPORTER: … the situation in the sewers is getting worse and worse, holding the much of city for months now. This morning in the capital, a torrent of stinking liquid filth spilled out onto the street, forcing civil protection units to evacuate two neighborhoods and set up camps for the refugees. Sewer scuba divers have discovered an enormous ball of condense fat composed of excrement, toxic waste, rubbers, cell phones, cigarette butts and used diapers. We are facing a tragedy borne of years of environmental abuse despite all the scientific warnings that shut have put us on guard against this problem. The country is in chaos: businesses closed, unemployment at 62%. The only sector in apparent expansion is takeout services. The nation is cut drifting rudderless…
PLINIO: Let’s go, let’s go! (putting food into a container) Get this fucking 174 moving.
HOPE: (putting a box in the dumbwaiter) 173 is gone… (heads toward Plinio)
PLINIO: Can you smell that stink of shit , Christ! (to Igor) Did your mother call the sewer people?
IGOR: It was an Islamic attack, Hope! The terrorists blew up the sewers, you know?
PLINIO: Igor, the gluten-free soup for 175?
IGOR: It was them, Hope! They won’t say it on TV because the authorities want to keep it secret!
HOPE: (pulling the cord on the dumbwaiter) Stay away from me, you hear? I’m not going say it again. Creep…
PLINIO: Hope, get me the eggs from the cage. (a Igor) Work! And check the risotto, if it sticks I’m gonna get mad.
HOPE: (putting the box in the dumbwaiter) 174 is gone. (goes to the cage, Igor follows her on his Hoverboard)
XIA:176, three gluten-free Noodles with Kombo algae and coconut milk.
IGOR: (to Hope, following her) you want to hear an Islamic joke? (lei lo ignora)
PLINIO: The soup!
IGOR: It’s coming, you’re breaking my balls… (he gets to work)
HOPE: (gives a package to Plinio) Here’s the egg.
PLINIO: (looks at the package, to Hope) Excuse me, what the fuck is this?
HOPE: Organic egg powder, came yesterday.
PLINIO: In powder? (looks at her) I can’t believe it, God, Mother of God! Do yu see what we’re giving people to eat? Pre-cooked freeze-dried Chinese crap, it’s shameful!
IGOR: 175 all ready… (Hope comes to Igor, wrapping up order 175)
PLINIO: Take care of 176 for me (goes to the cage) I want to see what else that idiot bought
(passing next to the grate) Smell that stink of shit, Christ, you can’t breathe (goes in)
IGOR: So a Muslim wife goes to her husband and says: (does an accent) “Me tired me give you my ass every night, you know?” (Hope goes to the dumbwaiter, Igor following) So the husband gets angry and tells the wife: “I don’t like you saying these bad words, after all you’re only nine years old.” (laughs) Funny, no?
HOPE: 175 is gone… (going to check on 176) Don’t try that shit with me anymore, understand?
IGOR: What did I do?
HOPE: You know what you did, idiot. You spy me I do peepee in bathroom, dirty creep.
IGOR: (defying her) And how do you know that?
HOPE: Because I see you eye through the keyhole, you stupid peeper, that’s why.
IGOR: Well, yeah… well, but I… it wasn’t me! Why would I want to spy on you…
HOPE: (pulls out a taser) You know what we do to liars in my country? Cut the tongue.
IGOR: Really? I guess that’s what they call Africa “a developing country” because it’s not normal to cut people’s tongues out, Hope. It’s not normal, you know?
XIA: 177, two gluten-free organic soups with crispy Seitan.
PLINIO: (coming from the cage, to Igor) You’re burning it, Holy Christ, you;ve burned it all! You’re an idiot! Listen, I know thinking isn’t your forte, but at least try, for Chrissake! What did I say about the broth?
IGOR: Don’t break my balls. What do I have to make this fucking risotto? It’s not even on the menu!
PLINIO: Because I’m trying to teach you cooking for real, stupid. Not this pre-cooked shit we make here. You have to develop a taste or you’ll never be a chef. (takes a frying pan from his work station) Come her, taste these rabbit tagliolini I made…
IGOR: (pulls back) I don’t like that, it’s disgusting, you eat it/
PLINIO: (sticking the fork into his mouth) I said taste it, idiot! (Igor has to eat it) You taste that slightly acidic marinade of the meat in harmonic contrast to the sweetness of the vegetables? You taste that?
IGOR: (shrugging his shoulders) What do I know? This pre-cooked stuff tastes better to me.
PLINIO: What? (he strangles him) I’ll kill you, you know? (lets him go) God, why do I have such a stupid stepson? You’re life taking revenge on me (indicating the risotto). Throw it away, go. (goes to his works station, but then takes a deep breath, returns). Ok, listen: Hope, finish the 176. (to Igor)
What I want to make you understand is that cooking is philosophy, it’s art, faith! When you cook something good you’ve won a battle against the world, you see? And food deserves respect because it’s blessed. Food comforts us, it protects us, Food is…
IGOR: Food? (smiles at him defiantly, gets ready to make order 177)
PLINIO: (to Hope) What can I do with him? (to Igor) When I look at you I see centuries of wasted effort: all those revolutions, the dead martyrs for a better world, then you were born.
HOPE: 176 is ready… (goes to the dumbwaiter)
PLINIO:(heading to the bathroom) I had a Michelin star, for Chrissake. If one year ago they had told me I’d end up in a basement heating pre-cooked meals to gluten intolerants I wouldn’t have believed it. That God we can't see the future, otherwise we’d never get out of bed. (exits)
HOPE: 176 is gone…
Igor approaches Hope, she avoids him…
IGOR: All right, ok, I peeked through the keyhole, ok? I’m sorry, I won;t do it anymore.
HOPE: See what a liar are you?
IGOR: I thought you were my mamma!
HOPE: Excuse, why you spy on your mother?
IGOR: What? Eh? No! That is/
HOPE: OK, I don’t want know. What you see through the keyhole, for real?
IGOR: Nothing, just some hair and… well, lots of hair… Jesus Christ, Hope, you’re like a gorilla!
HOPE: Go fuck you self, understand? Your sister’s a gorilla.
IGOR: Plus they’re all white, Hope… do you dye them?
HOPE: Dye? Go fuck you self, imbecile. Fucking mind your business.
IGOR: Okay, Okay, just don’t get so angry all the time… 177 ready. (he hands it to her)
HOPE: Of course I angry, stupid. You know what they do to people who spy on women in my country? Cute yes out!
IGOR: Right, but fuck, you’re obsessed! Enough cutting people, Hope! You have to stop!
HOPE:(withdraws) You touch me again I break you face, okay?
IGOR: (looks her up and down, defiant) Oh yeah? How you gonna do that, with a ladder?
She pulls out the taser and zaps him: he screams in pain and collapses.
HOPE: Now what you say, idiot?
IGOR:(getting back up, stunned)Wow… That’s amazing. (stumbles)
HOPE: (surprised) Ah, you like? (she moves to give him another shock) Again?
IGOR: No, ok, thanks… once is enough. (he stumbles toward the sink. Collapses. Gets back up)
PLINIO: (entering, to Igor) The boxes in the store-room. We’ll start with the schools.
IGOR: (stumbles to the store-room) I want a taser like the one Hope has… (exits)
XIA: 178, 2 pesto noodles with chia seeds, tre Pad Thai 8 vegetables in gluten-free teriyaki sauce, three gluten-free spelt purée with saffron cream and wok zucchini.
Clara enters from outside with a bag, wearing a red dress with heels; she is tanned, divine.
CLARA: (sending a voice message) No chips, your handicap doesn’t matter. And I’m sure you’ll find the love you deserve, potato! I adore you (joyfully, to the others) Ciao everyone! What color is the world today?
PLINIO: Black.
HOPE: Brown.
CLARA: (to Hope, pointing to her skin tone) Perfect, it matches your ski/… (laughs, Hope gives her a nasty look) But mine is azure. A splended azure with a touch of yellow! And you know what that yellow is?
HOPE: (almost pitying her) The sun?
CLARA: The sun, yes! My world is full of sun today. Thirty thousand followers in six months! Reviews are top notch! We’re the idol of the celiacs!
PLINIO: (showing the package of eggs) Powdered eggs, Clara? Are you pulling my chain?
CLARA: (to Hope) I see he’s in a good mood too…
PLINIO: No more eggs now?
Igor comes from the store-room with boxes. From here on, he and Hope will set up an assembly line for the schools.
CLARA: Ciao my little puppy! (she kisses him on the mouth)
PLINIO: (showing her a package) And these vegetables, Clara?
CLARA:(to Igor) Another little kiss for your momma who loves you so so much…
IGOR: (Hope looks at him; he’s embarrassed) That’s enough, momma!
PLINIO: You really want to give this shit to customers?
CLARA: (laughing through clenched teeth) You want to start again?
PLINIO: (showing the package) You see what’s written on this?
CLARA: (joyfully) What do you think of the new uniforms? I’m going to have them printed: “The Smile - Luxury Food – excellence for the intolerant. And below: “We don’t just bring you food, we bring you a smile.”
